The only thing that troubles me these days is the situation that just carve in no time! Sometimes I think I will not do such thing once more, but I happen to practice the same thing more often. I hate myself for that! And after that I feel guilty again I know for no reasons and then after some time I get normal! The problem is that all these things distract me from what I was into and it then take me a long time to again get into that frame of mind! And the cycle repeats again and again! I decide not to do something than situation become such that I have to do that, then I feel guilty and then get normal! And so on! My whole life revolves in this cycle!
And I am here to write something that made me feel very low. I am wondering if I could ever write something happy I always write something very much sad, isn't it so, I guess it is so, I was traveling in bus from home to Bikaner, yesterday I was wondering if I could get a good company, you know what i mean by good company ;) the way from my home to Bikaner is like true desert its 160+ km and you will hardly get 1-2 villages in between and nothing else and you can't dream of any shop where you can get an Appy fiz! As I did, Poor me! The temperature also showed no mercy and was above 40, hot winds were trying their best that you don't sleep. I guess you are pretty much into the situation now, I hate talking much, but the situation was such that I don't have anything to pass my time, and I was thus blessed by god, sending a talkative uncle, I recalled Bheja Fry! The uncle was nothing less then that in Bheja Fry! He started the talk by examining me from top to bottom twice! And then looked at me as if I were an alien! May be because I was wearing some jeans so it was enough for him to anticipate that I am surely not a villager! Who I am? He asked me! I was in no mood to answer this tough question, man! I am still searching who I am? Before I could answer that question, he asked me what my father do? And these are the common questions you encounter in any village bus. Since everybody knows each other, mostly you end up with some relationship may it be like the person is the in laws of your neighbor! So in a way you are relatives, aren't you? What is your caste? This was the third question in a series of three questions he bombarded at me and I can see that he was in a tough look and I have to answer this third question quickly, though I still don't know why I bother to answer him? I am Brahman! I told him. Oh! You are a Brahman! I don't know why I thought that but I think he was showing some sort of sympathy for me being Brahman! I guess because I don't get reservation. And this is the way these uncles starts a talk, the next half an hour I was all answering him, and he had almost fetched everything I know about me, my family and my relatives! I was wondering if he were in a CBI interrogation team he could have done wonders. Finally he got a topic to start talk, since all these questions were just to start talk, and the real talk was just about to start! And he took the topic that I am doing engineering, he decided to take this thing further, how I got selected, how is the course, whats the fees, what was my percentage, how is the hostel, how is the college and many more! He asked me to guess how much he had studied? Now thats a tricky question, and I wish I could answer that it seems me that whatever you studied is all vain! But I can't answer like that, I decided not to answer and keep smiling , so he finally decided to tell that he is M. Sc , B. Ed. Now should I behave like I am impressed, I was not impressed , but I have to pretend that I am impressed! Hell! This talk could have gone long, but he then decided to read my hand! Now thats too much! He took my hand before I could understand anything, and was examining it very seriously, gosh! And I knew what he was about to say! I have a great luck, great money and all that crap! And few bad things like I will struggle ha! Ha! I told you I knew it! Why the hell these people bother too much to please other! I am still to get answer to this question and more than me, people around me get impressed by him, thank god! And I escaped , he was all busy telling people their fate! And I was looking at my fate! The only good thing in all this was that it helped my pass all the time and I was at the end of all this , about to reach Bikaner! Thanks but no thanks! For next time!
The day was to travel to and fro so I was back in bus within three hours of reaching Bikaner, I had some work which I completed in no time, so I was back in bus at 1.00 pm in afternoon, I guess I need not to tell the the situation hasn't changed much and even worsen. Hoping to have a good luck this time, to have a good company, but why it always happens to me, so again back to phalodi alone, the same way the same bus, and with some increased temperature. Tried to have a sleep on those nylon seats that make you feel like sitting on hot pan, I wish I could fly back to phalodi! may be someday! But for today I was in a furnace and like a chicken ready to be served! Now I could feel that how tough it is to be a chicken! And one more thing I was feeling that when people cry global warming what does they mean.
While sitting I had a lots of thoughts in mind about myself, I don't know if it happens to everybody or just me that whenever I am in such a situation I think about myself my past, my future , my present and all that crap! Really I don't know why I do that but I wonder what else people think about in such situations. I had been to this travel for more than 10 times now, and each time when situation become unbearable like this I promise myself that I will not let it happen the next time. But poor me, I told you about that cycle , I am in that cycle once again! Alas! I wish I could change that! I swear there was not a single boy or girl in whole bus all where some villagers with crying babies and eating like hell! The situation was perfect for making you feel that you want to make some changes, and the hell boring thing get some thing to break this, there was an old man, he was about 70 years in age, was healthy I can say. He was also there in my way to Bikaner and now again here in same bus. He was so aggressive even at this age, it made me feel old, I don't have such aggression in myself, sometimes I think I should have some aggression, and that old man made me feel that again. First he was struggling with the conductor to get his 2 rupees back and after that he was struggling with a woman to get his seat back which he left for a while to drink water, but the woman was even more aggressive than the old man was so they made a scene there in bus, and quickly the bus was divided in two groups one for supporting each one of them. I can see that people love to get involved in such sort of things after all it bring something in that dull bus! When I find myself in such situations it looks to me that all I am thinking for making a great future is worthless, I am wasting my time, my dreams get fainted and I find myself helpless.
I was thinking that all this drama is the worse thing I could encounter today, my head was rolling like drum and I was feeling heat deep in my brain, the head pain grows in no time, as in last 7 hours I just had two liters of water and nothing else, I could blame myself for that, and was doing the same thing, and sitting in my seat waiting for phalodi to come as soon as possible, the bus was dull again, everybody was silent, some were sleeping I would rather say trying to sleep, the bus was crawling at a speed just over 50 kmph, and the road was blank, no trees nearby, no vehicles, nothing I just happened to see out the window! The scene out was like nothing but sand dunes, hey I saw something on road, and everybody in bus got on their feet, what I was seeing that over a kilometer away on the road , it was some white thing, but it took no time to find that there was something wrong, two persons were lying down on the road, they were in blood! Something wrong had happened! Everybody was shocked to see that! So as me. I ran to the front of the bus! I was thinking that they will stop the bus so that we could help them. But they didn't. The bus went pass them and no one even tried to stop the bus! Hell! I was shocked ! I got mummed! I could see two persons dieing and couldn't do anything. And what I could do is see them till they get disappeared, what a crap I am, I couldn't help them! My whole body was shivering and all my morals and soul was dropped in a moment I was feeling that what I talk is all vain! Why couldn't i protest! Why? Alas! I hate myself! I really was feeling low! There was a constable of police in bus! He called nearby police station and told them about the accident! But I think if we had helped them nothing could be better than that! And the rest of the time I was thinking just nothing! I don't remember what happened to me and I was at home, thinking all the time about that accident!
Today I read in local newspaper that the both of them had died! One of them was alive when police reached there but died during the treatment in hospital! And I curse myself and I know I am responsible of death of two persons, I never thought that i may kill anybody but I am responsible for those two deaths! I killed two persons! Hang me!
And I am here to write something that made me feel very low. I am wondering if I could ever write something happy I always write something very much sad, isn't it so, I guess it is so, I was traveling in bus from home to Bikaner, yesterday I was wondering if I could get a good company, you know what i mean by good company ;) the way from my home to Bikaner is like true desert its 160+ km and you will hardly get 1-2 villages in between and nothing else and you can't dream of any shop where you can get an Appy fiz! As I did, Poor me! The temperature also showed no mercy and was above 40, hot winds were trying their best that you don't sleep. I guess you are pretty much into the situation now, I hate talking much, but the situation was such that I don't have anything to pass my time, and I was thus blessed by god, sending a talkative uncle, I recalled Bheja Fry! The uncle was nothing less then that in Bheja Fry! He started the talk by examining me from top to bottom twice! And then looked at me as if I were an alien! May be because I was wearing some jeans so it was enough for him to anticipate that I am surely not a villager! Who I am? He asked me! I was in no mood to answer this tough question, man! I am still searching who I am? Before I could answer that question, he asked me what my father do? And these are the common questions you encounter in any village bus. Since everybody knows each other, mostly you end up with some relationship may it be like the person is the in laws of your neighbor! So in a way you are relatives, aren't you? What is your caste? This was the third question in a series of three questions he bombarded at me and I can see that he was in a tough look and I have to answer this third question quickly, though I still don't know why I bother to answer him? I am Brahman! I told him. Oh! You are a Brahman! I don't know why I thought that but I think he was showing some sort of sympathy for me being Brahman! I guess because I don't get reservation. And this is the way these uncles starts a talk, the next half an hour I was all answering him, and he had almost fetched everything I know about me, my family and my relatives! I was wondering if he were in a CBI interrogation team he could have done wonders. Finally he got a topic to start talk, since all these questions were just to start talk, and the real talk was just about to start! And he took the topic that I am doing engineering, he decided to take this thing further, how I got selected, how is the course, whats the fees, what was my percentage, how is the hostel, how is the college and many more! He asked me to guess how much he had studied? Now thats a tricky question, and I wish I could answer that it seems me that whatever you studied is all vain! But I can't answer like that, I decided not to answer and keep smiling , so he finally decided to tell that he is M. Sc , B. Ed. Now should I behave like I am impressed, I was not impressed , but I have to pretend that I am impressed! Hell! This talk could have gone long, but he then decided to read my hand! Now thats too much! He took my hand before I could understand anything, and was examining it very seriously, gosh! And I knew what he was about to say! I have a great luck, great money and all that crap! And few bad things like I will struggle ha! Ha! I told you I knew it! Why the hell these people bother too much to please other! I am still to get answer to this question and more than me, people around me get impressed by him, thank god! And I escaped , he was all busy telling people their fate! And I was looking at my fate! The only good thing in all this was that it helped my pass all the time and I was at the end of all this , about to reach Bikaner! Thanks but no thanks! For next time!
The day was to travel to and fro so I was back in bus within three hours of reaching Bikaner, I had some work which I completed in no time, so I was back in bus at 1.00 pm in afternoon, I guess I need not to tell the the situation hasn't changed much and even worsen. Hoping to have a good luck this time, to have a good company, but why it always happens to me, so again back to phalodi alone, the same way the same bus, and with some increased temperature. Tried to have a sleep on those nylon seats that make you feel like sitting on hot pan, I wish I could fly back to phalodi! may be someday! But for today I was in a furnace and like a chicken ready to be served! Now I could feel that how tough it is to be a chicken! And one more thing I was feeling that when people cry global warming what does they mean.
While sitting I had a lots of thoughts in mind about myself, I don't know if it happens to everybody or just me that whenever I am in such a situation I think about myself my past, my future , my present and all that crap! Really I don't know why I do that but I wonder what else people think about in such situations. I had been to this travel for more than 10 times now, and each time when situation become unbearable like this I promise myself that I will not let it happen the next time. But poor me, I told you about that cycle , I am in that cycle once again! Alas! I wish I could change that! I swear there was not a single boy or girl in whole bus all where some villagers with crying babies and eating like hell! The situation was perfect for making you feel that you want to make some changes, and the hell boring thing get some thing to break this, there was an old man, he was about 70 years in age, was healthy I can say. He was also there in my way to Bikaner and now again here in same bus. He was so aggressive even at this age, it made me feel old, I don't have such aggression in myself, sometimes I think I should have some aggression, and that old man made me feel that again. First he was struggling with the conductor to get his 2 rupees back and after that he was struggling with a woman to get his seat back which he left for a while to drink water, but the woman was even more aggressive than the old man was so they made a scene there in bus, and quickly the bus was divided in two groups one for supporting each one of them. I can see that people love to get involved in such sort of things after all it bring something in that dull bus! When I find myself in such situations it looks to me that all I am thinking for making a great future is worthless, I am wasting my time, my dreams get fainted and I find myself helpless.
I was thinking that all this drama is the worse thing I could encounter today, my head was rolling like drum and I was feeling heat deep in my brain, the head pain grows in no time, as in last 7 hours I just had two liters of water and nothing else, I could blame myself for that, and was doing the same thing, and sitting in my seat waiting for phalodi to come as soon as possible, the bus was dull again, everybody was silent, some were sleeping I would rather say trying to sleep, the bus was crawling at a speed just over 50 kmph, and the road was blank, no trees nearby, no vehicles, nothing I just happened to see out the window! The scene out was like nothing but sand dunes, hey I saw something on road, and everybody in bus got on their feet, what I was seeing that over a kilometer away on the road , it was some white thing, but it took no time to find that there was something wrong, two persons were lying down on the road, they were in blood! Something wrong had happened! Everybody was shocked to see that! So as me. I ran to the front of the bus! I was thinking that they will stop the bus so that we could help them. But they didn't. The bus went pass them and no one even tried to stop the bus! Hell! I was shocked ! I got mummed! I could see two persons dieing and couldn't do anything. And what I could do is see them till they get disappeared, what a crap I am, I couldn't help them! My whole body was shivering and all my morals and soul was dropped in a moment I was feeling that what I talk is all vain! Why couldn't i protest! Why? Alas! I hate myself! I really was feeling low! There was a constable of police in bus! He called nearby police station and told them about the accident! But I think if we had helped them nothing could be better than that! And the rest of the time I was thinking just nothing! I don't remember what happened to me and I was at home, thinking all the time about that accident!
Today I read in local newspaper that the both of them had died! One of them was alive when police reached there but died during the treatment in hospital! And I curse myself and I know I am responsible of death of two persons, I never thought that i may kill anybody but I am responsible for those two deaths! I killed two persons! Hang me!
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